I've got a concept for a piece inspired by ICP's "Crossing Thy Bridge" but I can't seem to get it right. I know I'm going to have to draw this one, but, as most of you know, I'm not a very good sketch artist. I'm better with digital work, but the image in my head is in pencil. It's a very moving piece, but, right now, it's stuck behind my eyes. Perhaps, before long, I can get it in front of them.

Peace

1) Don't you love it when people who don't know you make opinions of you based on what someone scorned by you says? Makes my day. Warms my heart, and heats my cynicism...

2) I need to make a new ID. I'm not a teenager anymore. That fact is hitting pretty hard right now. I've got some more growing up to do. Though I'm a lot more mature from who I was a year ago. And much more so from when I joined this site five years ago. Even my art has gotten better, when I put the time into it. I need to write some more.

3) Money is evil. I wish I had more, but then again, I don't. I've got the majority of what I need and a few things that are luxuries to others. After all, money can't buy me love.

4) The relationship is going outstandingly. Better than any I've ever been in. He actually cares about me. He's not lying when he says he loves me, and there are no other girls behind my back. It's refreshing really. I love living with him, and I don't feel lonely in this relationship as I have in the past. There's honesty in this one. And trust. On BOTH sides.

5) Work is going better now that I found out a few things about the nature of my coworkers. There's no shortage of fuel for the fire of my cynical ways.

6) I need to dig deeper into myself. I need to know why I am how I am. I mean, I know a lot of things, but I can't help but do things I don't want to and I want to now why I do them.

7) I was thinking, I know I've made mistakes in my life. I know I've hurt people. I can't change how I was, I realized. I can't make excuses for that Jenn, but what I can do is change the actions of this Jenn. I can't change my old relationships or how they view me, I can't change ended friendships, I can't bring back people I've lost because they're gone for a reason. Because I'm so much better without them. Thinking back to everyone I've lost, there was something dark in each of them. Friends, exes, fathers (real and step) and there's a reason I don't talk to them anymore. Yes, it hurts me to say I don't speak to my father. But, goddammit, I tried for a relationship there for years. Finally, you run out of second chances. Some people are only there to drain you, and as much as it hurts, you have to let them go for your own good. There was something dark about how Gary was when I cut him out of my life. But that was 17-year-old Gary. This is 20-year-old Gary. There was something dark about 17-year-old Jenn too. That's why she's gone. Everything happens for a reason. You just have to believe that, in time, you'll find the reason. There's only one situation that I have no answer for. God, if you only knew how much I still love you. How much I need you. At least you're no longer pained. I love you so much. I'll see you again someday, I know it. Thank you for being my father when I didn't have one. Damn. I was trying not to cry...

That's all for now.

-Jenn

Yep. It's that time of year again. I get to get together with my twin and celebrate twenty years of us being on this Earth. We had a party at his house on Saturday night where I got completely shitfaced and ended up having Gary drive Betty (my car) home. But it was fun.

But this birthday has me thinking. I'm not a teenager anymore. I've grown so much in those seven years, but that phase of my life is over now. I can no longer do immature things and blame it on being a teenager. I have to be responsible; I have to grow up. My life is in my own hands.

But that's the thing: my life is MINE again. After a LONG time of it being derailed by a single person. My life is so different than it was, but I'm happy. Gary makes me really happy, and I wish we'd gone after each other in high school like we both wanted, but at least we have each other now. He's so supportive of everything. Honestly, just being with him is going to be the best birthday present ever.

But WOOHOO!!! I'm TWENTY! I new decade! Nifty.

Mother
You had me
But I never had you.

I wanted you,
You didn't want me.
So, I,
I just wanna tell you:
Goodbye. Goodbye.

Father
You left me
But I never left you.

I needed you,
You didn't need me.
So, I,
I just wanna tell you:
Goodbye. Goodbye.

Children
Don't do
What I have done.

I couldn't walk
So I tried to run.
So, I,
I got to tell you.
Goodbye. Goodbye.
======
Genius.

Everyone will show their true colours at one point or another. They'll all fail you in some way, shape or form. To trust another person, is to be completely vulnerable to their true selves. I can't do it anymore. I can't put my heart on my sleeve to see how the people I "trust" truly are. Even those I've known for years are starting to change colour. I saw some of them last night. True friends, indeed. I'm not so sure those actually exist. There are people who say they're true friends, but how does anyone really know? Eventually everyone fades away. The only people you can count on are your family, and most of us can't even count on them.


There's one person to thank for my distortion. And the funny thing? He doesn't even know how much he's fucked me up. And he wouldn't care if he knew.

-----------------------
12/17:
And today, my faith in people is gone. When shit goes down, I'm there for you, man. I love you to death, you know that. I'll always be there for you. I'm so fucking glad you're okay. I don't know what I'd do if you weren't...